Being a parent is one of the MOST rewarding, but yet also one of the most challenging tasks. If you walk that path in life no matter if you are a parent by giving birth to them, adoption, marriage etc, I am sure you probably can relate. Being personally responsible for nurturing another person until they are able to spread their wings and fly in hopes that they have the best life possible and have all their dreams come true. We want their life to be full of love, success, fun, happiness, etc. How, if at all does that change if you throw a chronic illness in there? It does not change the fact how much you love your babies, questioning yourself at times on how well of a job you think you are doing parenting, or facing the outside judgement you may receive as a parent. With a chronic illness we worry about all the things that any parent can relate too, but what we also face the stress of feeling like we can’t take care of our children at times. Which I want to take a second and mention that when I use the term chronic illness I use it loosely in this instance because it could be a mental or physical illness. I am here to speak my truth and openly admit that I have struggled. Many people have often commented on how relaxed I am as a parent and how I have my shit together having three kids, but in reality they only see the surface level of things. I want to share so that if others are struggling that maybe they can receive comfort in knowing they are not alone, and that these experiences may be more common than what we think, but just not spoken about.
When I was first diagnosed with Crohn’s disease I was not aware of the different challenges I would face. I knew that I would be faced with challenges in my health, but I never really considered the emotional and physical challenge it would bring at times in the daily but especially once I became a parent. I am grateful that the Lord decided to bless me with children to begin with because it was something I longed for in my life and I know others in my shoes that are not able to fulfill that dream due to the illness. If you are one of these people know that I think of you often and my heart is with you.
In October 2017, I found out those challenges first hand when I had a larger set back in my health journey. If you have read my other articles you would have read that I started experiencing a lot of symptoms such as chronic pain in my joints, fatigue, headaches, upset stomach, etc. This was the first time that I felt like I was not cut out to have the children I did, and that I could not be the mom that they needed me to be. Have you ever thought that? I became so sick that I could not hardly get up to take care of my two kids (our third had not made his way into the world yet). I wanted to lay in bed or on the couch because the pain and headaches were so exhausting themselves. Plus we all know that by the end of the day with little(s) that you are normally tired to begin with. I sat wondering how the heck I was going to find the energy each day to take care of my 3 and 1 year old. It seemed like it was just the biggest and hardest task, but I loved them and I chose to have children so I got up each day, pushed myself to be the best mom I could each day and leave the rest at the door (or so I thought I was leaving it at the door). I remember the reoccurring thought of, “If I cannot even take care of myself how in the hell am I suppose to take care of them?” And to be down right frank there was okay days and then there was the ugly days. Some days I would feel semi human and we would make the best of it and other days I would lay on the couch and just watch them play. Days I would sit and cry on and off because I just could not understand why this was happening and why was nothing helping or making it better. What was I missing and when was I going to find the answer?? And even if I obtained remission again would it be for a long period of time or would I relapse and do this all over again? Did the kids see me crying? I needed to try harder to hide the pain and tears, put on that happy face and push myself to chase them around and do fun things. The days that I did end up laying on the couch and hardly moving other than feeding them, I was not actually “present”. I mean I was physically there but I was zoned off into another land, unhappy and just plain down right sad. My husband is the only person I have admitted this too, but it got REAL ugly after a few months of dealing with constant pain and no relief. Those that this is the norm for my heart is with you because I couldn’t handle it for the several months it took to start getting answers, so I have no idea how you handle this. But it was so bad where I remember standing in the kitchen and telling him I just could not do this anymore. That I had passing thoughts of what if my car just veered off the road one day when I was driving alone and went to my heavenly home where I knew I would no longer experience pain. I sobbed that day and he just held me in his arms. In my heart I knew I never actually wanted to harm myself or leave my loved ones because I have a purpose here on Earth to fulfill, but pain makes you feel and think crazy things. That right there was depression. I did not want to accept it then, but it is my truth and I’ve come to terms with that. The stigma that circles around depression is not okay and people should not be ashamed if they struggle with depression. Something I think we need to change in society, but that’s a message for another blog article.
The other difficult feelings that I have had to deal with are worrying if my children will end up experiencing the illness that I am dealing with and am I doing enough to try to prevent it. I am positive this is probably a concern for many. I use to sit and worry about every little symptom being the start of the disease. However to try to see the positive in it, it has brought a positive light to things because I am aware of the signs to watch for and it has made me do more research to find preventive measures to possibly help them from avoiding the disease. I specifically focus on the alternatives that protect their immune system and their gut health. Hopefully giving them the tools they need to stay healthy and never have to face this ugly disease. And if all else fails and one or all would happen to have this disease then I will be their biggest health advocate and help them. I know there are many resources beyond just conventional medicine that can be utilized and the tests that can be run as well looking for root cause issues. In the end though, if you want to take preventive measures I suggest it but give yourself a break and know that it will not be in our control what their bodies decide to do.
When I reflect back at that time in my life, I knew it was affecting my children. And….as much as I hated to admit it to myself, it affected them a lot. My oldest specifically would ask, “momma, what is wrong?” and I would always respond with a nothing because what are you going to say to a 3 year old? He would cry and cling to me when I would have to leave the house to go anywhere. It was not pleasant and I often left crying myself. All I wanted to do was hold him in my arms and tell him it was all going to be okay, but I felt like I couldn’t do that because I didn’t know what the future was going to bring. Was this going to be my new “normal” or was I going to find something to get myself back into remission? Let me tell you, when you are already in this struggle of feeling terrible and then you throw that on top of it, I just felt like the worse mom in the world. It broke my heart every.single.time. If I had to give that person advice now I would tell her to tell them what is going on. Just tell them that mom needed to lay down and rest for a minute because her tummy hurt, or that mom was just a little sad. I think it would have been better to be honest with them than trying to “protect” them from it. They may have only been 3 and 1 but they are so so in tune to the emotions you are feeling and that you think you are hiding well. Lets be real we are not hiding a damn thing from them! I think by being honest we can show our kids how to feel and express their emotions in a healthy manner. Otherwise what are we teaching them? How to hide their feelings and bottle them up so no one knows how you truly are feeling? Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying you have to tell your child every adult problem you have but if we even just let them know how we are feeling in the moment and then just relate it to an experience at their age level so they have a chance to try to make sense of it, they can. You should be each others safe place. We are not dumping our problems on them by sharing some of these things but instead showing them that life will have its hills and valleys, but that no matter what they can take anything on head first and have a support system to help them through it all.
I must say they were one of my safe places in this difficult time. There was no judgement from them and they brought a smile to my face when I did not think I could smile. They brought a laugh when I needed to forget my troubles and stress. They gave me wet slobber filled kisses and bear hugs when I was sad. They sat in silence as I felt the feelings I needed to feel and secretly were raising me up and giving me what I needed to keep fighting everyday. To help me move forward and keep looking for answers. In the end I am here to say that it is okay to have your days where you feel like you are not able to give 100%, because no matter what those little beings love you endlessly. It is okay for you to take a day and rest. It is okay to make memories from the couch. It is okay to admit you are not okay. It is okay to let your kids learn from your pain. It is okay to help your kids to learn how to deal with emotions. It is okay to be honest. It is okay to give yourself a break. You do not have to be perfect. Your children love you, so love yourself.
Xoxo ~ Brooke
*If you are a parent struggling please feel free to reach out to talk to me. I am happy to listen and help support you in anyway I can. We need to lift one another up and be able to lean on one another.*
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